Self Coaching

I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read on anxiety, depression, etc etc etc. A hundred, maybe? A hefty proportion of the books out there, anyway. Some are good (the classic How To Stop Worrying & Start Living), some not so much, but none of them have had any lasting effect on me. Neither has the three lots of therapy that I’ve had. Well, that’s not entirely true. The therapy has made me much more self aware, more enlightened as to why I am who I am and why I do the things I do. Unfortunately, therapy on the NHS is highly abridged – we’d only just got to the roots of my problems when the course had to end. They cut you loose, to sink or swim. I usually sink……. 

So then I turn to books, in a desperate attempt to continue my own therapy, but it’s hard, so hard, to see yourself objectively and to know how best to get yourself out of your own mental pitfalls. Like someone floundering in quicksand, trying to pull themselves out.

But when it comes to reading, I’m an eternal optimist. Tony laughs at me, because my first reaction in any given situation is to go buy a book about it. Hence the 1000 books crowding us out of our tiny home. Anyway. I bought a book, and read it, and re-read it, and worked through it, really worked, with a notepad and pen and exercises and everything, and this is the first time I’ve ever done that, ever been inspired enough to actually work along with a book. And the result?


Yes, really, go and buy it. Here’s an Amazon UK link, and an link, and it’s also available on Kindle and Audible. The title is Self-Coaching: The Powerful Program to Beat Anxiety and Depression: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression by Joseph J. Luciani Ph.D. I’ll wait for you. Go on!!!!!

Ok, you got it? Good. Now I’ll tell you the drawback. Yes, I know, but I wanted you to buy it before I changed your mind.

First of all, some context, for those of you who haven’t been slugging through my depression with me for the last few years. My story in a nutshell: anxious/depressed child, anxious/depressed adult, culminating in a good old fashioned nervous breakdown 3 (or was it 4? I’m losing count) years ago. Short periods of relative wellness interspersed with recurrent breakdowns since then. With a particularly bad one at the start of this year, with all kinds of medication horrors to complicate it.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that I have been utterly, completely, passionately convinced that depression is a clinical illness, brain chemistry all wacko, something I’m going to have for the rest of my life, like diabetes, etc etc etc etc. If you’d suggested otherwise to me, I would have brained you with the nearest blunt object. Which makes me wary of saying this out loud, for fear of upsetting or angering my readers with depression, but……..

This book is built around the premise that anxiety/depression is not a clinical illness, but something we do to ourselves……..

I know! I KNOW!!

Don’t shoot the messenger. Just take it from me, if I can be convinced by the reasoning in this book, anyone can. I would have fought to the death to defend the clinical illness theory, trust me. No one wants to think that they are bringing that amount of suffering on themselves by choice. Well, it’s not that simple. It’s an involuntary choice, and the idea of the book is to give you back the power of choice, so that you can steer your way out of the darkness and back into health. As far as I can tell, the exercises are cognitive behavioural based, but they seem to go deeper than anything else I’ve read, or done through CBT counselling.

I should clarify: the book acknowledges that depression is a brain chemistry problem, and that medication can be useful, and for some people, vital (that would be me). BUT. It theorises that the brain chemistry problems are the result of years and years of stress, anxiety, panic, insecurity, fear, worry, and all the other negative emotions that make us go rigid in the face of life’s problems and strains. That our coping strategies are developed when we are children, and that we just carry them into our adult life, where they are no use to us at all, but just drag us down into the quicksand of depression and chronic anxiety.

What I found so amazing about this book is this: it combines some of the best explanations for why depression/anxiety strikes some of us, with strategies for beating it. Hmm. I didn’t put that very well. You’ll have to read the book, then you’ll see what I mean. Suffice to say, nearly every page was a lightbulb moment for me, which is saying something considering the many, many books I’ve read on the subject. I was able to very quickly identify patterns that led up to each episode of depression, and I promise you, not one of them was external, they were all thinking patterns, internal reactions to external events. This blows my mind. I never ever thought I would believe this, but I do. It makes the most perfect beautiful logical sense when you read through the book. 

I’ll admit, it’s scaring the crap out of me. It’s seriously scary to face the fact that your happiness and well being is squarely in your own hands. Scary but incredibly exciting. In equal parts. But the book makes so much sense to me that I’m trusting it, and working through the exercises, and taking one little step at a time. So far, it’s working. It’s working GOOD. It’s two steps forward, one step back, of course, because ingrained thinking habits do NOT like being disturbed. But progress is progress, however slow. This post has been hard to write, partly because I don’t want to offend anyone with what is a pretty out-there idea, contrary to what I’ve said in the past, and partly because I have this stupid feeling that I’m jinxing myself by saying out loud, this is working for me.

But, there it is. Give it a try. Be open. Maybe you’ll have your own lightbulb moment. Maybe.

8 thoughts on “Self Coaching

  1. Reading this brings a big smile to my face. Although I’m not dealing with the same problems I know that it is such a terrific moment when suddenly all the chaos makes sence and you just ‘get it’.

  2. A dear friend directed me to your blog post because, I too, have encountered depression, anxiety and all manner of feelings that go bump in the night. So, I wanted to tell you – firstly, yay you! Keep on keeping on! We both know that this is a journey that happens in small (read: teeny tiny) steps. Secondly, I relate and am of the opinion that depression is not only about brain chemistry, it’s about the self too. I’d even go so far as to say that, in my experience, it’s more about self than chemistry. Thank you for the insightful book recommendation. I salute you! Keep on keeping on! Blessings!

  3. That’s really really interesting Dee. I’m not depressed myself, but various people that I care about *ARE*, so I’ll probably be getting hold of this book so that I can pass it on…

    Thank you for being so open about this, and for sharing what you’ve found.

  4. I’m hoping that the lightbulb moment continues as stong and bright as a lighthouse for you, your post made me very happy for you – I’ve got my fingers crossed for you and big hopeful excited feelings 🙂

  5. Very interesting to hear your thoughts. Best of luck with working through the ideas suggested in the book, anything that works has got to be a very good thing 🙂

    I think some of the difficulty with depression and anxiety is that the brain is jolly complicated, and our brains all probably work a bit differently, and I’m not convinced that we really understand brains all that well.

    I suppose I feel a bit that depression and anxiety is a bit like lots of other things in that some people have more of a tendancy to it than others. I also have a tendancy to get eczema, but by being careful what washing liquid and soap I use etc I can mostly avoid a flare-up, and can also spot a flare-up and do something about it, before it gets too bad.

    I feel kind of similar about the anxiety, that having been there I am now better equiped to see myself heading down the same path again, and hopefully stop it. I have also got better at not putting myself in situations I find stressful, and not feeling bad about saying “no” to things that I find stressful. It is all a very long process though, for me it has been 10 years. I feel a lot more resiliant now though than even a couple of years ago.

    Best of luck 🙂

  6. Was I being really stupid and the title was there all the time?or has it been amended.Maybe it was a senior moment for me and I’m losing the plot!!!