My friends, I didn’t know how much I needed that time away. I knew I needed it, I just didn’t realise quite how much. Time to be quiet and truly rest, to reflect and ponder, to seize on new perspectives. I don’t remember the last time I had that opportunity – we tend to fill our holiday (vacation) time with doing instead of being, and it’s a change, but it’s often not the replenishment that we truly need.
We don’t celebrate Christmas, so while most people have been in a whirl of activity & bustle, we have been in a little bubble of tranquillity and stillness. Which suits me perfectly. Sometimes we just need to hit the pause button on life, to take deep long breaths, to look around and check whether life is riding us, or we are riding life. Not that that’s an easy thing to do; it is unsettling, angst-making, uncomfortable, unpredictable, exhilarating, terrifying. But necessary, so necessary. Laying in bed last night, cool wind blowing in the through the window, the bed so soft and warm, I thought it all through, gathered up the bits & pieces of the last week, the pieces of the puzzle, and tried to make a pattern out of them. I had a clear image of myself in a brightly lit hallway, with doors, so many doors, all closed to me, and no way of knowing what was behind each door. It was confusing, troubling, unsettling…. but right. I know when I feel like this, I’m on the brink of a big soul jump. I just have to wait, as bravely as I can, for the right door to open. I will step through into a new stage of being me.
I know one thing: I’ve been working too much. Not compared to most people, not in measurable hours, but in proportion to my energy and ability, too much. It’s burning me out. Some weeks, most weeks actually, I feel like a hamster running on a wheel. Well, plodding. Not running. It’s challenging, to say the least, to produce a shop update every Sunday, without fail. I get through my work and then I just flop. There’s nothing left for the important things. It’s sapping my creativity. I feel stale. I feel like I’m letting you down, letting myself down. I need to scale back a bit. We’ve talked it out, and decided to do smaller updates. Thirty-ish colourways, instead of the roughly fifty a week we’ve been doing. Extra work and pressure doesn’t seem to stint Tony’s genius, but it certainly does affect me.
I’ve been chasing light this week. The shortest day is past, we’re on the up swing now, but the weather has been so rotten that most days have been dark. The slightest glimmer in light, the briefest break in the clouds, sets everything singing. I snatched twenty minutes outside with my camera yesterday, and the low lying sun made everything sharp and vivid. I managed to capture photos with sun flare – I’ve never done that before. They weren’t good enough to show you, but still. It made me happy. Also a natural vignette, no post editing addition. There was something special about that light, I think.
For the short space of sunlight, the cats follow its path around the house, sleepily padding from room to room to lay in the travelling beams. They know how to live, oh they do. I’m still learning.
PS. The sun just came bursting out of the clouds!